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G'Day Fellow Mountainbikers,

 

As the most reliable weather test in the world (sticking your head out the window) will tell you, it's raining. This is a good thing because after an initial growth spurt from the previous rains, all the new Durban-like greenery at Logwood Bike Haven was looking decidedly tired and wilted.

 

Kitchen Sink and 12 Steps have come under the microscope this week. They have been restored to their former glory (and super high speed capabilities) not seen since the original construction times. There are 8 berms that have been dug out of the slow and gradual encroachment of the "previously disadvantaged plant-life". As with most illegal occupants around Joburg, it started out small and insignificant and before we knew it, large tracts of high speed corners were missing.

 

I discovered this whilst "eating my greens" in the middle of where I thought there was a berm on my HiFi. Riding from memory after a couple of years off the bike will do that to you.

 

Every Friday afternoon (weather permitting) all the usual suspects (hey! Why don't you come along!!) get together at Logwood Bike Haven from about 3.30pm and shoot out onto the single track mtb trails to "de-stress" from the week's work in the very best way known to man (riding your bike). This service is performed out of love and care for our families so that we come home without all the baggage from the working week.

 

After the riding bit is over we sit around under the tree in the Recovery Zone and have a few sundowners and watch the sunset over the mountain ridge.

 

It was during one of these sessions that we all started comparing notes on what has now come to be known as "Logwood Speak". Logwood Speak is an extra language (in a country that clearly needs another official language) that folks use when they don't really want to say what they mean. Here are some memorable examples of what our friends say and what they really mean:

 

THE TRAILS ARE TOO NARROW AT LOGWOOD.

My fairy wheels get caught on the veld grass whenever I go off the Main Drag and it takes hours for my maid to get the bits that get stuck out of them when she is washing the bike.

 

THE CORNERS ARE TOO TIGHT ON THE SINGLE TRACK AT LOGWOOD.

As above, but you can add in that my fat gut gets in the way of anything other than riding in a straight line. That's why I get my wife to come and get me after my "fitness ride" that takes me as far as I can go without turning a corner or breaking a sweat.

 

I REALLY LIKE LOGWOOD, BUT ITS HARD FOR ME TO GET THERE.

I really hate Logwood because it is the only place where a 12 year old girl on a pink steel bike can put pressure on me in single track in front of an audience. Usually there is no pressure because the guys I ride with are slower than me, and if I end up with a faster group by accident I just pretend to have a mechanical as I get shrapnelled off the back.

 

THERE ARE TOO MANY KIDS AND FAMILIES AT LOGWOOD TO GET SERIOUS TRAINING DONE.

I hate being overtaken by some oak's wife on Organ Grinder where everyone can see. I paid R70K for a super lightweight XC thoroughbred, and then another R20K on all the right riding gear with Team Colours trying to make out I'm a sponsored rider at 47 and think I deserve better than being humiliated in public. I hate that you can't buy respect.

 

I JUST WANT TO DO SOME DISTANCE TRAINING

My spin instructor at VA wont let me back into the class after the last little "incident" without a note from my doctor and a team of paramedics on standby. I preferred the bike being bolted to the ground like in the spin class, but if I can't have that I certainly don't want to go to Logwood.

 

I JUST WANT TO GET SOME CARDIO WORK IN.

I have set my Polar Heart Rate Monitor so that I can't go over 120 BPM without it shrieking at me because I read that was the best way to get rid of fat without raising a sweat (short of lipo-suction, which I am considering) and Green Cathedral busts the limit as soon as I start going fast enough to have fun.

 

I'M IN TRAINING FOR THE EPIC

I want to ride on the footpath around my neighbourhood (hey some of it is very technical and schweet single track brou) with my boet and we will meet you at the Mugg & Bean afterward for the 9000 calorie foodfest that I am going to order after my 30 Calorie ridefest getting there. I love sitting around in lycra in public. It's the closest you can get to being naked without being arrested, and I look so good in my MTN/Microsoft Kit. Sometimes people ask me if I'm Kevin Evans.

 

I'M ON AN EPIC TRAINING PROGRAM

I only just got my bike 12 years ago and riding on the edge of the road is all I can manage till I get the hang of it. I'm really only into this because mtb riding is the new "golf" in the corporate world. I bought an old EPIC shirt from a mate of mine for only R2000 and I wear it everywhere. Chicks think I'm hardcore. If I don't take my helmet off nobody can see I'm a little thin on top, and it adds that extra bit of safety in the Volvo after the ride. Hey why hasn't everyone worked out this neat way to look cool at 97kgs. Steel is Real!

 

It was at about this time that the sun went down and the mozzies found us and we called it a day.

 

The rain seems to be easing up a little, but I think that the Friday Follies Sundowner Ride wont be much fun today. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow though.

 

Keep the rubber side down.

Geoff the Aussie

www.cultcycling.co.za